The Universal Struggle of Unfulfilled Desire
Ain’t this a phase we all hate? I know I do, with my whole heart even. If you are anything like me, you start to prioritize and put on a very high pedestal whatever it is you desire, you dream of it, you do the necessary work to have it, you pray for it, and you hope that somehow God will have the mercy to make it yours. But sometimes, no matter what you do or how much you want it, God doesn’t give it to you. So what do you do in that case? How do you accept it?
The Invisible String of Human Connection
I personally asked myself always, what is it that connects us to certain things, an invisible string, a similar higher condition in our brains, body, and heart we receive at birth, random desire we create from information we take during our whole life. This still stays a mystery, but we are certain that there is something connecting you to the things you want and desire. The person you want to marry, the career you pursue, the lifestyle you dream of, or the items you choose to buy.
Connection vs. Belonging: The Dress Analogy
But connection doesn’t always mean belonging. Have you ever noticed that if you go to the market and you want to buy a dress for an occasion, all you have is a vision based on the theme of the event, your money, and your body as the main condition in order to look good? When you browse a market for a dress, you might admire a few, dislike others, and ultimately buy one before even stopping to process your feelings.
How We Make Decisions: Knowing vs. Feeling
Most of the time, the choices we make come from a place of knowing and not feeling. Coming back to our example, there are different types of buyers all around the world, some buy what’s practical and fast, some what’s aesthetic and eye-catching, some what’s comfortable, some what’s within their budget, but have you noticed that in the majority of cases, people narrow down their desires based on their conditions if they have to make their mind up and decide?
Two Perspectives on the $100k Dress
You can desire a 100k wedding dress that you tried on some days before, which can totally be out of your budget, and so you find a 2k similar dress that stays within your budget. When this happens, people usually feel disappointed, sad, or defeated…On the other hand, you could have wanted so bad a dress that was 100k that you never tried on, and again, it is out of your budget, but this time you try it on and it looks hideous on you, so you are more than happy to go with much cheaper versions.
Uncovering the Root of Desire
As you can see in this comparison, what changes the feeling towards the result is that the initial desire had a deeper root. In the first case, both dresses looked amazing, yet leaving the $100k dress behind still upset you. In the second case, you idolized the expensive dress until trying it on proved it fit poorly, making you happy to choose the cheaper option. This happens because the first desired luxury and the second desired beauty.
Reclaiming Your Power by Asking “Why?”
So here I come to the core of my argument: that whenever we want something, we should look at why is it that we desire in it. What do we think this thing we desire will give us? By identifying the core of your desire, you tend to take the power of it because this world has many origins of the same resources, meaning what a dress can give you, you can find in another dress, but not just any dress!
The Fear Behind Second-Best Choices
So when we are faced with a situation that we can’t have what we want, we are scared that with the choice that remains, we won’t get to have that deep desire fulfilled. But that isn’t ultimately true if you actually understood the deep root. I will give you an example so that you understand what I mean:
Case Study: Unrequited Attraction
You might absolutely want a good-looking person. You want it really bad, but this person really doesn’t want you. Everyone in this case would be upset; that is a very normal thing. But you are super upset and don’t accept it for a very long time.
Analyzing the Real Motivations
2 ways to analyze this situation: either you want to fulfill your lustful desire and think that only this person can fulfill it, but in this case, when someone that sparks that chemistry again, that would actually make you forget about the first, or you really analyzed the core desire wrong and what you actually want is to be unrejectable.
Matching the Solution to the Root Cause
You can clearly see why it is important to understand why something is stuck with you because two different root desires require two different solutions.
In order to recognize your desire’s root, here are 10 questions to ask yourself:
- What is it that I am desiring?
- What qualities does this thing or person have that attract me?
- What do these qualities represent to me? Why do they have such importance for me?
- What do I imagine this thing or person would make me feel if I had it?
- Am I desiring the thing itself, or am I desiring the experience, feeling, identity, or validation that I believe it would give me?
- How am I approaching this desire? Am I desiring it while remaining free, or have I convinced myself that it is this or nothing else?
- What am I willing to do to have it? And what am I unwilling to do? What does that reveal about what matters most to me?
- How is this thing or person approaching me? Is it coming toward me, moving away from me, or am I the only one moving toward it?
- If I could not have the exact thing I want, what part of the experience would I be most afraid of losing? And could that experience exist in another form?
- If I accepted that I may never have this, what would I still want my life to contain? What underlying desire would remain?
Your way to yourself is your way to successs
Your Way to Yourself is Your Way to Success offers a clear path forward. Specifically, this book guides you on a rewarding journey of self-discovery. It provides practical biological and psychological tools so you can move away from dark places in your life. In addition, this practical guide helps you heal old wounds and choose a better life. The author bridges science and spirituality seamlessly. Consequently, the book helps you reflect and uncover the root causes of past trauma. By asking the right questions, you can finally hear your inner voice.